Sharing subjective information, advice, and stories about being Polyamorous in Austin, TX. Please keep in mind, this is not a site for Polygamy. If you are new to the idea of non-monogamy, but do not know the difference between the two, lets go ahead and get that taken care of...
Polyamory & Polygamy. What's the difference?
Poly∙amory - the idea or philosophy of being romantically involved with more than one person at the same time. It is the practice of intimate relationships involving more than just two people. It is best practiced with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous people also tend to refer to themselves as practicing "non-monogamy".
Poly∙gamy - the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time. The term is often used to refer to Mormon Polygamy. Mormon Polygamy families are only allowed to have one husband, but an infinite number wives. The wives may not marry to an additional man.
Poly∙gamy - the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time. The term is often used to refer to Mormon Polygamy. Mormon Polygamy families are only allowed to have one husband, but an infinite number wives. The wives may not marry to an additional man.
Are you Monogamous? - If so, here are some frequently asked questions you may have about polyamory.
The first thing you need to understand about polyamory, is that there is no strict set of rules that poly person follows. That isn’t to say there are NO rules though. There definitely ARE rules. However, the rules are defined, shared, and respected by the people who create them through personal preference. Poly dating and relationship rules can vary widely from person to person.
Is polyamory and swinging the same thing?
Not really. Monogamous and polyamorous people can both be swingers. The rules of “swinging” are often defined by personal preference by the individual, couple, or poly group. Mono swingers tend to focus on friendships and recreational sex with people outside of their relationship. Poly swingers also look for friendships and recreational sex, but often have the option to explore emotional connections as well.
Polyamory is about kinky group sex right?
All sexy possibilities can exist in being poly... but not all poly people are kinky or into group sex. There are many polyamorous individuals who’ve never had a threesome and don’t care to ever have one. Being poly doesn’t make you kinky and being kinky doesn’t make you poly. Nor does it mean that you’re promiscuous, into orgies, or that you want to jump in to bed with everyone you meet. Polyamory also doesn’t make you bisexual. In a polyamorous relationship, all the people involved are not necessarily sleeping with everyone else involved.
Is polyamory just a term to define mono people who are ok with cheating?
No. Cheating is about distrust and dishonesty. Mono people can cheat, and so can poly people.
Is polyamory just another way of saying your are in an “Open Relationship”?
No. Being “open” implies you are allowed to have sexual fun with other people, but not get emotionally involved in a way that would lead to a 2nd relationship or cheating. Polyamory allows for multiple emotional relationships.
Can I be poly, while my partner is mono?
Yes. It is referred to as a MonoPoly. The thing that defines a polyamorous relationship is that everyone involved knows about, and agrees to, everyone else’s involvement. So a couple can be a monopoly, so long as both partners know what is going on and agrees to it. If you are hiding your involvement with someone else, you are cheating.
Polyamory is for people who just can’t commit to being mono right?
No. It’s not that they can’t commit to being mono, they just prefer not to. Poly people have usually learned through many past mono relationships that being mono doesn't give them the fulfillment they are looking for in their love life. They prefer to have the option to love more than one person.
My current mono partner is wanting to be poly. Does that mean they have lost interest in me?
No. Someone wanting to be poly in no way means they are tired of their current partner. They simply find themselves happier knowing they are not restrained to one person.
But if you love someone, you shouldn’t want anyone else right?
We are often raised as children to think that way and many people go through their whole lives with that mindset. However, just because that way of thinking can work for many people, that doesn't mean it will work for everyone.
Poly people can sleep with whoever they want, whenever they want?
This depends on the rules set in place by the poly couple or group. Some have extremely flexible rules that would allow this, while others do not. It is up to the people involved to use good communication to come up what rules will work best for them.
Does jealously happen in polyamory?
Yes of course. No one becomes immune to jealousy after they decide to be poly. The best way to avoid jealous is to keep open communication. Some people experience Compersion instead of jealously, though this is often a learned ability that builds over time. Compersion is a feeling of happiness when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.
My friends had an “open relationship,” and it all fell apart. This kind of thing never lasts.
I’ve had many friends who had a monogamous relationship, but they just ended up getting a divorce. Does that prove that monogamy always falls apart? No.
Some mono relationships work out; some don’t. Some polyamorous relationships work; some don’t. Yet because monogamy is the accepted social norm, when a marriage fails, people do not blame the institution of marriage…but when a poly relationship fails, people blame polyamory.
Relationships succeed or fail because of the individuals involved, not the dynamic of the relationship.
Most people could argue that relationships in general don’t last. How many people actually spend their entire lives with the very first person they were ever romantically involved with now days? Very few.
There are many reason why a relationship might not last, and most of those reasons have nothing to do with the relationship model. It’s tempting to look at a non-traditional relationship and assume that every problem the people in that relationship have is due to the dynamic of the relationship, but it doesn’t actually work that way.
And not all relationships that don’t last are “failures.” It’s common to believe they are, but it isn’t necessarily so; any relationship that teaches you more about yourself or those around you is in some measure a success.
Aren’t STDs an issue with being poly?
Yes, but no more or less than being mono. Of course, if you are mono and happily married until the day you die, I suppose you would never need to worry about STDs ever again. But if you are not living that perfect life, then odds are you are still in search for “the one”. In that search, most people will go through many mono relationships where they become increasingly exposed to the possibility of getting a STD.
STD prevention relies on honest communication and safe sex practices. It doesn't matter if you are mono or poly, you can be awesome with your practices, or suck at them. It all comes down to the individual.
Poly people might end up have more partners in the long run, but as long as they were is honest communication and safe sex practices, it doesn’t really matter. If you disagree with that, then maybe being poly isn’t for you.
How can I tell if being polyamorous is something that can work for me?
That’s something you have to discover for yourself. If you can see yourself sharing your lover, and be happy with that, then that at least suggests that you can be happy in a poly relationship.
Generally speaking, polyamory is not something to just try out as soon as you have discovered it. You need to take time to really think about it for yourself, and for your partner if you currently have one. You need to be secure in your relationship before you think about opening it up. If you are currently in a mono relationship that has trust problems, do not attempt to use polyamory as a way to “fix” it.
Like anything else in life that is new and different, you have to try it to see if you will like it. If you find polyamory doesn’t work for you, that's okay. It is not meant for everyone. However, try not to go into polyamory with the expectation that it will not work. That is just setting yourself up for failure. Try to stay positive and open minded to your new adventures.
What are some of the benefits of being polyamorous?
When you have multiple people involved in your relationship, it offers you resources and perspectives that you wouldn't normally have in a monogamous relationship. If one person is feeling down, or has a problem, that person has two, or more, people to turn to for support. With more eyes on a relationship problem, the solution may be easier to find.
Polyamory is also great for your sex life. You will be more prone to stay creative in bed and interested in sex. Many long term mono relationships (especially marriages) tend to lose steam over time in bed. The sex happens less and less often the older the relationship gets, and for some people it can start to become a chore, as they have lost nearly all interest in it with their mono partner.
You continue to gain new experiences. I’ve learned a lot of things from each of my lovers, both in and out of the bedroom, that I have been able to take with me into my other relationships. Not even just new techniques, but sometimes new ways of looking at things. These things have enriched all my relationships, and my life.
What are the downsides to being polyamorous?
The downside is that you have more than two people involved in your relationship.
This can be both a blessing and a source of stress. Romantic relationships come with a certain amount of tension built in by default. At least to some degree, there will be misunderstandings and miscommunication.
Adding another person to the mix, and your potential for disagreements, arguments, and tension goes up. Add even more people to the mix, it goes up even further. The more people you have involved in a romantic relationship, the greater the potential for problems. The statistics just tend to not work in your favor.
It’s very important that any people in a polyamorous relationship take care that they follow the rules, and make sure everyone’s needs are met. Without that, the relationship will fail, no different than a monogamous relationship will.
The other downside is that being poly is emotionally riskier. The more people you open your heart to, the more likely it is that you’ll have your heart broken.
Is polyamory and swinging the same thing?
Not really. Monogamous and polyamorous people can both be swingers. The rules of “swinging” are often defined by personal preference by the individual, couple, or poly group. Mono swingers tend to focus on friendships and recreational sex with people outside of their relationship. Poly swingers also look for friendships and recreational sex, but often have the option to explore emotional connections as well.
Polyamory is about kinky group sex right?
All sexy possibilities can exist in being poly... but not all poly people are kinky or into group sex. There are many polyamorous individuals who’ve never had a threesome and don’t care to ever have one. Being poly doesn’t make you kinky and being kinky doesn’t make you poly. Nor does it mean that you’re promiscuous, into orgies, or that you want to jump in to bed with everyone you meet. Polyamory also doesn’t make you bisexual. In a polyamorous relationship, all the people involved are not necessarily sleeping with everyone else involved.
Is polyamory just a term to define mono people who are ok with cheating?
No. Cheating is about distrust and dishonesty. Mono people can cheat, and so can poly people.
Is polyamory just another way of saying your are in an “Open Relationship”?
No. Being “open” implies you are allowed to have sexual fun with other people, but not get emotionally involved in a way that would lead to a 2nd relationship or cheating. Polyamory allows for multiple emotional relationships.
Can I be poly, while my partner is mono?
Yes. It is referred to as a MonoPoly. The thing that defines a polyamorous relationship is that everyone involved knows about, and agrees to, everyone else’s involvement. So a couple can be a monopoly, so long as both partners know what is going on and agrees to it. If you are hiding your involvement with someone else, you are cheating.
Polyamory is for people who just can’t commit to being mono right?
No. It’s not that they can’t commit to being mono, they just prefer not to. Poly people have usually learned through many past mono relationships that being mono doesn't give them the fulfillment they are looking for in their love life. They prefer to have the option to love more than one person.
My current mono partner is wanting to be poly. Does that mean they have lost interest in me?
No. Someone wanting to be poly in no way means they are tired of their current partner. They simply find themselves happier knowing they are not restrained to one person.
But if you love someone, you shouldn’t want anyone else right?
We are often raised as children to think that way and many people go through their whole lives with that mindset. However, just because that way of thinking can work for many people, that doesn't mean it will work for everyone.
Poly people can sleep with whoever they want, whenever they want?
This depends on the rules set in place by the poly couple or group. Some have extremely flexible rules that would allow this, while others do not. It is up to the people involved to use good communication to come up what rules will work best for them.
Does jealously happen in polyamory?
Yes of course. No one becomes immune to jealousy after they decide to be poly. The best way to avoid jealous is to keep open communication. Some people experience Compersion instead of jealously, though this is often a learned ability that builds over time. Compersion is a feeling of happiness when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.
My friends had an “open relationship,” and it all fell apart. This kind of thing never lasts.
I’ve had many friends who had a monogamous relationship, but they just ended up getting a divorce. Does that prove that monogamy always falls apart? No.
Some mono relationships work out; some don’t. Some polyamorous relationships work; some don’t. Yet because monogamy is the accepted social norm, when a marriage fails, people do not blame the institution of marriage…but when a poly relationship fails, people blame polyamory.
Relationships succeed or fail because of the individuals involved, not the dynamic of the relationship.
Most people could argue that relationships in general don’t last. How many people actually spend their entire lives with the very first person they were ever romantically involved with now days? Very few.
There are many reason why a relationship might not last, and most of those reasons have nothing to do with the relationship model. It’s tempting to look at a non-traditional relationship and assume that every problem the people in that relationship have is due to the dynamic of the relationship, but it doesn’t actually work that way.
And not all relationships that don’t last are “failures.” It’s common to believe they are, but it isn’t necessarily so; any relationship that teaches you more about yourself or those around you is in some measure a success.
Aren’t STDs an issue with being poly?
Yes, but no more or less than being mono. Of course, if you are mono and happily married until the day you die, I suppose you would never need to worry about STDs ever again. But if you are not living that perfect life, then odds are you are still in search for “the one”. In that search, most people will go through many mono relationships where they become increasingly exposed to the possibility of getting a STD.
STD prevention relies on honest communication and safe sex practices. It doesn't matter if you are mono or poly, you can be awesome with your practices, or suck at them. It all comes down to the individual.
Poly people might end up have more partners in the long run, but as long as they were is honest communication and safe sex practices, it doesn’t really matter. If you disagree with that, then maybe being poly isn’t for you.
How can I tell if being polyamorous is something that can work for me?
That’s something you have to discover for yourself. If you can see yourself sharing your lover, and be happy with that, then that at least suggests that you can be happy in a poly relationship.
Generally speaking, polyamory is not something to just try out as soon as you have discovered it. You need to take time to really think about it for yourself, and for your partner if you currently have one. You need to be secure in your relationship before you think about opening it up. If you are currently in a mono relationship that has trust problems, do not attempt to use polyamory as a way to “fix” it.
Like anything else in life that is new and different, you have to try it to see if you will like it. If you find polyamory doesn’t work for you, that's okay. It is not meant for everyone. However, try not to go into polyamory with the expectation that it will not work. That is just setting yourself up for failure. Try to stay positive and open minded to your new adventures.
What are some of the benefits of being polyamorous?
When you have multiple people involved in your relationship, it offers you resources and perspectives that you wouldn't normally have in a monogamous relationship. If one person is feeling down, or has a problem, that person has two, or more, people to turn to for support. With more eyes on a relationship problem, the solution may be easier to find.
Polyamory is also great for your sex life. You will be more prone to stay creative in bed and interested in sex. Many long term mono relationships (especially marriages) tend to lose steam over time in bed. The sex happens less and less often the older the relationship gets, and for some people it can start to become a chore, as they have lost nearly all interest in it with their mono partner.
You continue to gain new experiences. I’ve learned a lot of things from each of my lovers, both in and out of the bedroom, that I have been able to take with me into my other relationships. Not even just new techniques, but sometimes new ways of looking at things. These things have enriched all my relationships, and my life.
What are the downsides to being polyamorous?
The downside is that you have more than two people involved in your relationship.
This can be both a blessing and a source of stress. Romantic relationships come with a certain amount of tension built in by default. At least to some degree, there will be misunderstandings and miscommunication.
Adding another person to the mix, and your potential for disagreements, arguments, and tension goes up. Add even more people to the mix, it goes up even further. The more people you have involved in a romantic relationship, the greater the potential for problems. The statistics just tend to not work in your favor.
It’s very important that any people in a polyamorous relationship take care that they follow the rules, and make sure everyone’s needs are met. Without that, the relationship will fail, no different than a monogamous relationship will.
The other downside is that being poly is emotionally riskier. The more people you open your heart to, the more likely it is that you’ll have your heart broken.